Disclaimer #2: The rest of this article is sarcastic, funny, and insulting in every way.

 

Does Hrithik Roshan REALLY look like a guy who'd want to die? Even as a paraplegic, he looks better than 10 Emraan Hashmis put together. And despite not having worked out for 12 years in the movie, his muscles are bigger than Suhel Seth's head in the movie (even though, as everyone knows, Suhel Seth's head is very big because of all the gas inside). PLUS, he's got Aishwarya Rai's cleavage for company for most of the movie. That's totally a great friend to have in distress!

 

But let's get real. The man who needed to be cast in that role should REALLY look like he wants to die. We'll make it easy, for future reference on movies about people wanting to die (for any reason). Here are some actors who'd be perfect for such movies:

 

1. Mimoh

Mimoh probably wanted to apply for mercy killing on the day he realized his parents weren't making noises – ‘Mimoh' was actually his NAME! His application became stronger when he grew up to realize that the weird yellow stuff on his head wasn't the result of an electrical plant throwing up on him, it was actually his hair. The final nail in the coffin (see, how we smartly weave in another death-related joke here? See, see?) probably came when his debut movie Jimmy released and he realized that the thing on his body that everyone kept laughing at, was actually his face! On screen, we mean. …Or do we?  

 

2. Fardeen Khan

Fardeen Khan's biggest reason for not wanting to live is the fact that instead of his wife, it's he who got accidentally pregnant after marriage. And somehow the pregnancy's not done great stuff to his face either. Add to his whole misery the fact that he couldn't act even before the weight of the world came on his… well, face, and it's obvious Fardeen would be super happy to do the role. Though, of course, you wouldn't be able to notice the happiness… you know… because of the whole face situation. 

 

3. Tusshar Kapoor

Tusshar Kapoor holds the unique distinction of being the winner of Biggest Loser Jeetega, even though he didn't participate in it. His claim-to-fame is acting in roles where he was invisible (Tusshar Kapoor in and as GAYAB! Hahhaha!), was required to keep his mouth shut (He was such a big hit with his mouth shut in Golmaal that they made sure he didn't speak in two more movies), or was required to complete the background furniture (in all other movies). The audience would love to see him in a role where apart from his mouth, even the rest of him can't move about to cause further embarrassment to human civilization. 

 

4. Ashmit Patel

Ever since everyone saw (we know what you did that summer!), in the iconic words of Dolly Bindra, Ashmit Patel's ‘performance' in his XXX-MMS, Ashmit Patel's life "went for a toss”. "One after the other, life shot him with a dart, and like a broken arrow, he fell apart.” 

No, that's not OUR lame joke on you. That's Patel's lame joke on the world. If you STILL don't know what we are talking about, search for Patel's musical rap(e) attempt, ‘Apni kahani apni zubaani' on the internet. After seeing the video, you'll understand why Patel would want to kill himself, and honestly, we'd not hold it against you, if you'd want to kill yourself too.

 

5. Archana Puran Singh

Oh wait... we totally forgot that the paralysis ends at the neck… you can't paralyse that laughter. And oh wait… We were supposed to be talking about men here. (Deliberate pause to imply what needs to be implied) ...Oh wait.

 

Tags: Guzarish, Hrithik Roshan, Aishwarya Rai, Mimoh, Fardeen Khan, Tusshar Kapoor, Ashmit Patel, Archana Puran Singh, Suhel Seth, Humour, Bollywood,

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