A stranger had been calling from within the house she was babysitting at, and she couldn’t for the life of her tell who it was. I IMDB’ed the movie immediately and – among other trivia like Camilla Belle having to take training to run inside a house – found that its tagline was ‘Whatever you do, don’t answer the phone.’ If only she’d been more attentive at the readout sessions, I thought, I wouldn’t be here watching Star Movies. 

 

All through the film I sat glued to the screen, spellbound by her ravishing beauty and glorious screen presence (the fact that she was present in so many scenes despite her acting prowess which only rivals that of Darsheel Safary’s teeth or Hrithik Roshan’s nostrils).

 

And, of course, I was a fan. Instantly.

 

But for how long? Countless exhausted, exasperated actresses (some before their movie’s release, some after) have appeared in countless Bollywood films, and been around for only as long as Justin Timberlake’s musical career. These actresses, too, fall into two categories – ones that made out with Aamir Khan and ones that didn’t. Or to put it simply, ones that had a semblance of a Bollywood career and the Kabir Bedis of the West. In the first category, there’s Rachel Shelley of Lagaan (famous line “Boovan, tumeh kooch kaarnaa hogaa!”) who didn’t make much news before the release, but whom critics and audiences spoke of in praise after. And then there was Alice Patten of Rang De Basanti (famous line “Maaaa kee aaankh!“), who made neither bad nor good press before or after the release. Whoever else came – even ones that didn’t make out with Aamir Khan – was remembered only for as much time as Bruce Willis has had hair on his head.

 

So anyway, we saw Kylie Minogue in the Akshay Kumar-starrer Blue, Barbara Mori in Kites, Denise Richards in Kambakkht Ishq, Liza Lazarus in Veer, Jacqueline Fernandes in Aladin, Linda Arsenio of Kabul Express and Aloo Chaat, Ali Larter in the Salman Khan-starrer Marigold and Antonia Bernath in Kisna (who proved beyond doubt that not even a broad from abroad can save a movie from tanking if it stars Vivek Oberoi). Of course there was Jadoo to redeem them all, who Rakesh Roshan went a step further to fly down from space – and it was a good choice too – that little creature with a face like Koena Mitra’s and the sex appeal of a limp rabbit. But he never got another movie because, well, who needs real actors in Bollywood anyway?

 

So, another name for this laundry list of movies: the biggest failures in the history of cinema. That’s long for Mel Gibson.

 

History bears testament to the fact that even though our stars fly down the best-looking actresses/ models/ aliens from all over the world and outside, films that star them just somehow don’t work. Sure, they lure audiences to the screen in the first week, but once critics have given them the ‘I’ll-just-do-to-this-movie-what-Christian Bale-does-to-his-spot boy’ treatment, not even hot women can save the film’s poor box office performance.  What audiences want, perhaps, is a little less sex and a little more substance (coz if that weren’t the case, Kaizad Gustad would’ve won an Academy Award just for shifting house.)

 

And so it remains to be seen what effect Camilla Belle has on the Indian audience. Sure, she won’t be the only reason people flock cinema houses to watch Speedy Singhs, because if the film actually has any substance, it’ll run despite her having starred in it (take City Of God or Moolaade as examples where they’ve chronicled horrid things happening to black people, and the film has done well still). If nothing else works, she can just snog Aamir Khan and BAM!... there’s a hit she starred in! 

 

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