I was personally an extra naïve, gullible fresher, who had some very questionable ideas about college life because of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Ishq Vishq. More importantly, having grown up in Bahrain (also known as ‘Dubai' in India), I was an NRI. By the way, that's engineering code for, ‘You are f**ked'. 

 

Among the many problems you face because of being an NRI, like being horrified about finding out that you have to poop in Indian style toilets in your hostel, or the fact that you have to share that Indian style toilets with other over zealous poople… uhh.. people, lies the grossly criminal mistake of not knowing Hindi swear words. And as I was to find out later, another criminal mistake is admitting it to your seniors, especially during a ‘ragging session':

 

Senior: ‘NRI hai? Gaali aati hai?

Me: ‘Yessir'

Senior: ‘To de na, bh**di ke' 

Me: ‘You loser!'

Senior: ‘Abey gaali de raha hai ya sex kar raha hai! Hindi gaali nahin aati kya?!'

Me: ‘Kutte, kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga'

Senior: ‘Saale Dharamenda ki najaayaz aulaad, third standard ki gaaliyan nahin, college ki gaaliyan de, behen***!'

Me: ‘Sir, English mein doon? Mujhe Bas***d, Son of a b***h, Motherf**ker, sab aata hai'

Senior: ‘Arreee! Tu to seth hai be! English bolta hai, behenc**d! Bast***d bolta hai ha**mi! Motherf**er bolta hai ma**rc**d! Hindi gaali to seekhni hi padegi, be! Tomorrow, make a list of 500 Hindi gaalis, nahin to tere saath achcha nahin hoga.'

 

Bad words... hawww

For a guy who would write ‘k***a' in internet conversations up until that point (preferring the more civilized ‘doggy' instead), I was scandalized when I was given this task. But more importantly, I was emotionally scarred on being called all those ‘bad words' in the ragging session and didn't understand how my seniors could play with my feelings like that. 

 

I spent a sleepless night and by morning, I had exhausted all insulting animals like haathi, bhains and saand, and was looking up English-to-Hindi dictionaries to find out Hindi words for parts of the anatomy to insult. I could only manage to come up with innovations like ‘Tujhe phephde ka cancer ho jaaye', ‘Tere dimaag mein tumor ghus jaaye', etc. 

 

But just when I had reached the end of famous diseases also, a friend came to my rescue by making me realize a golden truth: Indians have lots of relatives. And each relative can be insulted multiple times! So what started as regular gaalis like ‘behenc**d, g**nd mara, teri *** ki ****, went on to become ‘baap-c**d', ‘bhai-c**d', ‘chacha-c**d', ‘maama-c**d', ‘taaya-c**d'…  ‘tere chacherabhai ki c**t, ‘tere sasur ki c**t'…. ‘tere behnoi ko bol g**nd mara', ‘apne jeeja ko bol g**nd mara'… and soon enough, we had 500 gaalis!! Not only had I finished off my ragging assignment, but I had had some very important lessons in family relationships and what type of gaali will spoil them forever. 

 

In love with behenc**d

It was a day that changed my life. Not only did I become a hero in the eyes of my seniors (for which they gave me ‘special attention' during ragging sessions as a reward :( ), but also became enamoured by the power of the Hindi swear word. And four years after that word, by the time I graduated from college, this is how a regular conversation with friends would go:

"Aur behenc**d, kaisa hai b***di ke! Kya c**tyapa kar raha hai aaj kal h***mi!! Kahan g**nd mara raha hai itne dino se! Saale, @!#$%^%#!$%!#&^@$!@#$%!@%$%^@$&!@~@@$%#^”

 

And you know what? F**k just does not feel cool any more. Who need f**k when you have behenc**d? For my ‘Ode to Behenc**d', wait for tomorrow's article. But for now, here are words to live by: 

‘Gaali Do, Lekin Rashtrabhasha Mein. Stay Raw.'

 

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Tags: Stay Raw, Humour, Engineering, Gaali, Ragging, Chetan Bhagat, STAYRAW

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